April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention month.
As both a sexual assault survivor and speaker/expert, I was recently asked about the effects of silence on the victim’s brain and how they differ in the circumstance of date rape versus stranger/violent rape.
This is a big subject. And I have much to offer.
Following is a snippet of my answer to the question. But please feel comfortable reaching out if you’d like to know more. I’m a speaker for RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) because I have a passion for changing the story. I’ve struggled in ways that you don’t have to and have answers that will help you. Though, of course, there will still be struggle.
A few differences of the silent suffering in date rape vs stranger/violent rape:
The silence that happens when someone doesn’t speak out after a violent rape comes from a different place than date rape silence. It has more to do with the chasm between what you just went through and seeing that the rest of the world is fine. That you’ve been violently treated while the world just went about it’s business. It’s not as much about guilt (though it can be).
The psychological danger here is that your brain will wrap a little cocoon around the event so you can try to forget rather than talk about it. But if you don’t do something about that right away you’ll be left with hidden triggers that seemingly attack you unexpectedly from time to time. A trigger can be a smell, sound, color, that flood you with panic or revulsion and since you won’t know what’s going on, you’ll believe yourself to be crazy. Also, if you do go into that silence and begin to speak out (which is good) the danger can come from talking about it for too long. The reliving of it in the telling, re-attacks you. Your brain cannot separate past from present as you relive and re-injure yourself. So speak in past tense and maintain a safe distance as you disperse the memory.
Conversely, the effect of maintaining silence on a date rape victim is much more about guilt. No matter how the victim looks at it, how they remember it, they’ll find and highlight their own guilt.
Unfortunately, the social network of television and history books, news, movies, family and friends is likely to offer up proof that feeling guilty is a correct response. Even as people say, “It’s not your fault, no means no.” they will add “but” and “next time” comments that- to the mind seeking its own guilt- indicate in-congruence with their assurances. This victim is much more likely to demonize men and perpetuate the cycle than the violently raped.
These are just a few of the differences, although they are big. As we live our lives the feedback we get from the world and how we interpret it comes largely from these places, so be aware.
And please feel comfortable reaching out.
I’m here, I understand, and I can help you know what to do to heal faster and better.
~Lynette
aka The Brain Broad
mom4evermore@juno.com
713-213-7682